What am I thinking about today?

A lot of things. A lot of nothing. I don’t know.

This feels like an endless cycle. Edgar Allan Poe once said that repeating the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result is the definition of insanity. But I am not insane, and I don’t expect a different result. I don’t know why I do this, I don’t know exactly where it started but I have some idea.

Addiction is hard, because when we succumb, we feel relieved, we feel safe for the time being. This never lasts. Guilt, anger, shame all arise afterwards.

When we don’t give in, we feel empty, we feel lost, we feel sleepy and sick…

It seems to be a lose lose situation. Either way my body seems to pay the toll.

Addiction is a burden, a chain, something that will consume parts of your life you never even thought about. The first step is knowing you have a problem.

I have known this for a while, yet still I fall. Still every day I say, well, it may make me feel better. It may give me more energy. It may be okay, just a little bit, just a tiny bit to calm my blood…

One little bit and I am an animal. I am not a human  being with a conscious, I am an animal running on instinct. I want more. I need more of this feeling, I need enough, just enough to end this desire. Just enough.

And every day just enough becomes a little more. Every day it becomes harder and harder to wean off.

I know I have a problem. I know I should go cold turkey, but the reality of this scares me. The reality of the road ahead scares me so much into having more. My fear of recovery postpones my recovery. My anxiety of what I must do tomorrow destroys today.

I’ve tried to stop before. Many, many, many times. I become a zombie, I feel like an empty shell of a person whose greatest feat is her ability to blink and keep her head up when someone’s talking to her.

So where do I go from here? I have hit the peak of my affliction, I am at a point of either ultimate succumbing or leaving it forever.

The idea of leaving it makes me sad. But I know in my heart that I need to, I should..

People know about it. People help me. Yet still I can’t stop. This is my battle, and at the moment I have forgot my armor.

My new year’s resolution this year was not to depend on anything perishable or materialistic to survive. Even if I never fully stop, I want to at least not need it to go on. I don’t want to yearn for it in my bloodstream, I don’t want to dream about it at night.

I want to live my life.


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