Insomnia Heart

Covers shift. Head flips. Lips sigh. Heart beats. Lids flutters. Toes clench. It is two AM.
I have insomnia. It’s the kind of problem that you complain about and people apologize for but no body really goes out of their way to help you with. It’s like having the common cold or a headache. Unfortunate, but not horrid enough to warrant their attention. In their eyes, it will pass. It will pass as quickly as this night is passing over me.
I can hear every pulse of my heart; I can feel my veins filling with blood; I can feel the pounding in my cheek and my neck. My head flips on my pillow for the eightieth time. I sigh, for the eleventh time. My legs reposition themselves and I curl into a fetal position. This is how I usually end up sleeping. This way I feel safe, I feel less vulnerable.
There are green glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, but now it is so late that their glow has grown dim. The ceiling is dark and worn out. The only light comes from the moon, and the light polluted sky in my window.
It’s cold. I’m still curled up, but my mind is unfurled and free. It is dancing when the rest of me is begging it to sit down.
I sit up. I’m done with this crap. I roll out of my bed and trudge groggily down the hall, turning on the bathroom light. I get some water and look at my hollow eyes in the mirror. I really need sleep.
Back to bed, back to restlessness.
I am tired, I am empty, I am alone,
The clock ticks eerily, my face throbs. I’m so scared of tomorrow, I can’t sleep. I’m so afraid of that place. I can’t go back there, I won’t go back there, maybe if I stay up all night I’ll pass out and I can avoid tomorrow. Maybe I can run away. Maybe I can hide in my bed until the world ends so I don’t have to deal with reality.
My soul is so restless and my body is so numb I can’t think I can’t feel I just shake and wait for something to change. I wait for hope or a reason to have hope, I wait for something that will give me a reason to sleep and wake up again. But nothing comes to me tonight, just like nothing has come to me for the past year. Everything has gone downhill, and I don’t see how I’m still living.
My lip trembles and my fingers shake. I’m afraid. I’m so afraid of tomorrow.
Please please let me die in my sleep so tomorrow will never come. I can’t bear this any longer, I can’t I can’t I won’t.
I am to old for this affliction but still it plagues me it consumes my every breath.
I am a victim of crippling anxiety and my body soul and mind have died. They have died and they have fallen away, and now I am left with this empty shell. Shells do not sleep, shells do not wake up in the morning. I am sick and I am tired of this illness. I’m so tired of it I’ve stopped fighting it.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry it has to end this way.


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