Myself

Sometimes- oftentimes- most times-
I long to be anybody else.
It’s not always a negative thing
It’s not always formed in self hatred
But admiration.
I see the beauty of others and I long to grasp it in my hands
I ache to possess that piece of heaven they hold in their hearts
I am awestruck and fascinated by people
By their humanness… By their souls
I see glimpses into their hearts
And I wonder
What is it like to feel these things?
What is it like to live so freely,
So unhinged by yourself
I find myself jumping in and out of mild insanity
And they all seem so calm
I constantly have to remind myself that I am human
And that I appear just as calm
And that others may feel the same way about me
But I grew up believing I was a monster
And that is such a hard mindset to shake
And everyday I’m  working to crawl out of it
But I just can’t
Not because I’m too weak
Or too afraid
But because of what I’ve done
What I’ve done proves it true
And no one expects the soft ones ones to do these things
The gentle souls to think such evil things
But we do- I do.
I am not what I seem.
I have come to the conclusion that most people are this way
And this scares me.
The idea that everyone holds at least one dark secret
Everyone is guilty of something horrible
It’s terrifying
If someone as calm and timid as I can be this way
Then what is the rest of the world?
Am I the worst of it?
Or am I the least?
I wish I was born in another body
I often think this to myself, in passing
But in this moment I mean it
I mean it
I have sinned to the a point of numbness I never dreamed I’d feel
I never dreamed of becoming this
Though I suppose the signs were there early on
I was only a child- a strange, imaginative child
Who knew my fantasies would become so much more
Who knew my mind would carry me to such dark realms
Who knew my heart would flicker out?
My calves ache
And I’m not sure if it’s from running for two hours straight
Or from everything I ate
But I know I am not who I say
It’s not like I’m hiding it
People don’t believe me when I tell them
They don’t take it seriously
It’s difficult for me to communicate verbally
So I shut my mouth
I let it brew
I wish to be someone else because I never knew who I was
How can I love someone I do not know?
It’s possible, I suppose
But it’s not easy
Nothing ever is

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