Boy

The realization is like a sledgehammer to the mouth
My bones shrink down to dust
Or at least I wish they would
Because maybe then I would be fine
Filtered perfectly to a speck
But today I am so wary
So bulky and unclean
Cruel and shrouded with my sin
Instead of fixing my faults I agonize
Obsess and give up
Because weakness is easier then strength
Self pity is easier than self confidence
I realize I am always in love
And when I am not
I do what I can to replicate that feeling
I realize I always have something in my heart
An idea or a fantasy
Sometimes even a real person
But usually it’s all made up
Usually it’s just a fantasy
Right now I am in love with a human being
A living breathing human being
A boy with eyes that unravel me like thread on a bobbin
Pressing down the pedal
Harder
Until all my threads are stitched in
My heart has decided
It feels like I’m another person
Thinking this way
Not fantasizing
Just… Feeling real things
Real things about real people
Suddenly I don’t feel like a real person
Suddenly I am the fantasy
It’s so odd and disgruntling
I feel like a little girl
A little girl so excited and desperate for his attention
So desperate just to catch eyes
So desperate just to be near him
Every time I see him look
I can feel something in me win
His eyes are like portals
They send me somewhere else
I am not here today
I am wherever he has decided to send me next
His unfortunate attempt to make me jealous
Has worked
But I’m on to him
I have studied body language and voice tones and I know
I know he doesn’t like her
I know he’s bringing her up for some reason other than what he says
I believed it was to make me jealous
And then I laughed at myself
Such a self centered theory
What makes you think he loves you, huh?
What makes you think his emotions are driven by you, huh?
You are ridiculous
These are the kind of talks I have with myself
He was my first love
Now it’s all coming back
It feels like a dream
You feel him making eyes at you
But maybe he does that to everyone
You see him looking at you
But maybe that’s just because you’re looking at him
Get your head in the game girl
Take a breather and examine yourself
He is a human being
Not some ethereal prince from your dreams
And you are a human being
Not some exceptionally unique manic pixie dream girl
You are hopelessly exhausted
Your insides swarmed with air
Wind in your bones
Passion in your blood
You almost want to go back
Go back to not feeling at all
He is out of your reach
He is out of sight
You two have talked
More than you expected
You have shared
More than you expected
Still you’re not sure what it means
If it even means anything
He talks to a lot of people
He bonds with a lot of people
What makes you any different?
Your heart hurts for so many reasons
Now unfortunately he is one of them
You wish he would love you
Your whole body groans
Because it wants him to love it
When you leave him you give him a hug
And you try to hold on for longer
But he let’s go
You try to grasp him harder
But he breaks away
Your heart is shattered

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2 thoughts on “Boy

  1. That was beautiful. Horribly sad but beautiful. And I relate with every single line of it. I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain. I send you my strength and love

    L. C. Hartley
    (you’re new fan)

    Like

    1. Oh gosh you are too kind thank you ❤ I'm also sorry you can relate with every word, but if we didn't have heartbreak what would we have to write about? I appreciate the follow, hope you enjoy what's to come 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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