I have nothing particularly heart wrenching or traumatising for you today, and for that I am sorry. Nothing especially moving or emotional, because today was lovely. Today was like a whisper of my childhood. Today was a day spent with family (and before you scoff, I must make clear that it is family I do not normally see and so I do not normally have the chance to develop anguish with). Today was a day bathed in chlorine and dipped in sun, left to dry in the shade. Today was a day filled with hide and seek and sardines. Today was a day where we brushed furbies like baby kittens and pushed them around on forty year old giraffe bikes. Today I was a child. Today I was me.
There are moments in my life where I realize that as much as I want and attempt to call myself a woman I am still a girl, and I will forever be a little girl. A baby girl. As the “older” ( older is relative, I am much older than all of them) cousins ran off to do whatever it is they did, I stayed with the youngest to play pretend. It was like nostalgia except it wasn’t, because it was real. It was tangible.
I realize how little I care about how I am perceived. We played tetherball like insane people, we probably looked like half naked monkeys. Screaming, batting, failing, causing everyone in the small private pool to watch us with amused gazes. I realize that I truly do have the heart of a very small child, though some days it morphs into a very old lady. I think it depends on the day. I think this is why I am a writer. I can write with whimsy and quirk and truthfulness, but I can also write with the weariness of someone at the end of their life. It’s quite fascinating. Also contradicting. I am full of paradoxes.
There’s this peacefulness in me, this quietness. I feel my muse coming back to me. I should be ecstatic, and I am. I just feel too calm to react to it.
I’m interacting with people in such a strange, open way. I allow myself to be soft, vulnerable… I allow myself to be human. Perhaps this is why I suddenly feel such strong bonds with others. I am finally allowing myself to accept a portion of love. I still have a long way to go, mind you, but I feel the beginning of a new era. I am changing. The world is changing, but the world is not changing me. I am becoming myself, and that is a glorious thing.
I’m sure next week there will be an equally descriptive post detailing the horrors of my emotions and the cruelty of society. But that’s just how it goes. I’m an emotional person. I feel everything intensely, the good and the bad. It is a blessing and a curse, but for the moment it is a blessing. For the moment this loveliness goes down to the bone, and for the moment I am clean. I am pure.
I want to write again. I want to paint again. I have this hunger, this deep rooted desire to create beautiful things. I has always been there, but now it demands to be fed. I must create and scrap until I make something meaningful. Until I have the ability to touch people. I want to make good art. I want to have a better word to use besides “good”. Enthralling perhaps. Enchanting. Enigmatic. Why e words? I am in a strange mood today. I don’t even know what I am saying, I just have these feelings, these pulses to move souls. I want to make others feel things that others are able to make me feel. When I immerse myself in music, sketches and novels, I feel this oneness with myself. I feel so explorative and so invincible. I feel so safe from the world. I want to create this for others. I want to create a safe haven. I want to shape another realm with my fingertips.
This whimsy, this childlike wonder… I wish I could bottle this feeling and give it out to every sour face, but sadly this is not a fantasy novel and I am not some kindhearted fairy. I will still try. I will try to bottle this feeling in the literary sense, praying my words can mean something to someone. Praying these brush strokes can bring a smile to the never smiling. Dreaming of writing a world they can escape to, they can stay up until four in the morning reading about. This is my dream, this is the dream I have always had and tonight I am fully aware of who I want to be.
Thank you, youngest cousin, thank for playing hide and seek and brushing furbies. Thank you for reminding me who I am.