it all starts here.

stars

So. Reflection.

Thinking over your flaws quietly in an attempt to fix them. Would my dreaminess be considered a flaw or an asset? Is my often magical approach at living life something that makes me rare, or just delusional? Sometimes I find myself laying in bed at 3:07 AM blinking because I wonder if any of this is even real. These emotions have life before. I always see things the way I want to see them. These emotions have told me people are safe, people are honest when these very souls plot to leave me lying on my back. Other times my emotions frenzy and gather to rally me into some irrational fit that really does not do anything for anybody. I realize now that things are never quite as bad, or as good as they seem.

Oftentimes we remember things worse than they actually are. Sometimes we imagine them as better. Either way, we are constantly making fiction out of our own lives. We change the story to comprehend ourselves. We do it to feel like the victim, or the hero. Just something memorable. Life in all reality is a  mix of beautiful, ugly, dull. Mostly dull. Often ugly. I tend to see people as beautiful until they give me a reason not to. Until I hear you speak slurs and abuse, until I witness you hurt, lie, steal, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Though I do trust my intuition. In general, you have to be sensitive to the vibes others give off. You have to be aware of the signs, because believe me they are there.

In general I would say I love people deeply, but I trust scarcely. I love many, trust few. That is the way it has always been. I dream, I romanticize, but people hardly ever live up to my expectation of who they truly are. I don’t necessarily have high expectations, I just have a very set idea of the way the world should be.  I think the world would be full of a lot of strange, irrational wanderers if I had my way. We’d probably all sit around crying and making flower crowns.

Dreaming is, the safest, purest drug in my personal opinion. It will not hurt you, in most cases. It will fuel you with the passion you need to create and push forward. Without dreamers, the world is much too grim to handle. I think this quality is crucial to living. But as I said, it is like a drug. Too much without real life will leave you intoxicated and possibly even zombified. As important as it is to let your mind float past this realm, it is just as imperative to your creativity to know when to reign in back in. You must control your fantasy, but you must also take breaks from the real world when you need to. I’m learning this balance. I’m learning when it is time to work, and when it is time to get lost in myself. Of course I can dream while I’m working, but I must not let my fantasy take me hostage. I still have things to get done.

This year I want to be more in touch with myself and others. I am more aware of why I feel the things I do, why certain things have happened. I have learned to cope. All in all, I am stronger. My dreaming is coming back, my childlike whimsy taking my body and soul. I feel so human, so insignificant, yet so wondrously inhuman. I feel special, but ordinary. It’s all so contradicting, as usual. What I mean is I switch back from these moments. I realize there are very distinct sides of me, and instead of hating one of them, I should learn to embrace them. That will take me one step closer to self love. I have hope.

Always dream, but don’t let the sweetness of your mind fatten you. Stay alert. Love yourself. Be strong.

beginning

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4 thoughts on “it all starts here.

  1. To embrace (I’m typing with my chin on a pillow and I just hit the post comment button.. toink) all sides of yourself both the hurt and the joy. Art school will challenge you more than anything but I think within that challenge you’ll find many more worlds to wander in. ❤

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