Art, failure, fear.

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Art is hard.
Things are hard.
I don’t think the hardness is the problem. I do plenty of hard things. I think the problem is the possibility of failure. The idea of rejection is more daunting than the hope of success. This is why I avoid certain things. This is why standing in a room full of artists, turning out easels to critique each other makes my pulse quicken. This is why art class is more uncomfortable than inspiring. To fail is to build up to success. But right now, the failing feels pretty bad.
I keep thinking, I want to make magic. I want to be magic. I want to pull heart strings. All of these things are just desires. They are in some ways goals, things I am afraid of missing out on. I’m afraid of making things that will never be loved. That will never mean anything to anyone. I’m afraid of pouring my heart out and never having it mean anything. I’m just afraid… I’ll be another sad artist who has to give up her dream. I’m so afraid I’ll have to give it all up, so in the process I do. I’m so afraid to fall that I don’t even stand up. This is why I procrastinate so badly. This is why I make excuses. This is why I avoid things I’m afraid of. Fear is more controlling than you think. I always tell people I’m not afraid of a lot of things. I don’t think this is true. My fears are just more emotional that others, instead of physical. I’m afraid of failing myself. I’m afraid of not being good at anything I love. I am afraid of love. More than anything in this world, I am afraid of love. But that is another topic for another day.
I don’t know.
As I said before, art is hard.
I scribble and scribble and scribble but none of it looks like art to me. It’s exactly that-scribbles.
I think maybe I should just do more and think less. The thinking, agonizing just gets in the way of the creativity. Art should be natural. Controlled but natural. It will flow. It will take thinking and mental strength, yes, but it takes heart. Heart and release. I must release all of these tangled emotions and fears and let them take shape in my work. I must intertwine them instead of letting them interfere. I must direct my passion or let it go. I can’t let it fester for too long or I may lose myself again.
I realize the source of a lot of my problems is fear. Fear of the past, fear of the present, fear of the future. I hate being afraid more than I hate any other emotion besides guilt. It is a paralyzing, physical emotion that will stop the feet from walking where they are supposed to go.
I can’t be afraid to try. I can’t be afraid to live. These statements seem too obvious, but it is not always so easy. Things are changing, and my body is resisting change. I can’t resist it anymore out fear of discomfort. Out of fear of growth. I must accept who I am and who I am meant to be. Who I am becoming. Art wise, intellectually, physically, I must embrace the change. It is all for the better.
Art is hard, things are hard, but hopefully with my acceptance of this change, this willingness to accept fear… I will be able to do hard things and enjoy them.

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4 thoughts on “Art, failure, fear.

  1. Oh you are so pretty and jealous of your hair!!! I want to so something profound but I can’t other than that I agree. I think you summed it up perfectly. Art is hard.

    I like to think it’s worth it too. There is this Dutch writer called Ronald Giphart. One of the phrases in his book always stuck with me:

    “I embrace you with a thousand arms”

    Embrace your fears, your passion and life with a thousand arms ❤

    Like

  2. Yeah. That fear of not being good enough to even be worthy of being read can be crippling. It is, perhaps, one of the reasons I write a lot more when I’m either half-asleep or need to “get it out” is because I don’t think so much. It feels as if I have don’t have so many things in the way – as if my thoughts connect directly to my hands and any self-criticism or second thoughts just can’t happen.

    But it is worth it to try. I think deep down you know this, but it is worth repeating. To not forget. It is worth it. It is how we grow and become a better version of ourselves. It is how we share what we have with others.

    At least, I know I want to hear what you have to say.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for commenting and letting me know what you think! I also usually write before I go to sleep or when I’m sleepy because that’s when my mind is the most abstract, and when I’m more dreamy than logical. That way it’s less filtered, like you said. More raw.
      I agree. Growth is something I have to stop fighting. Change is not easy, but it is worth it. Thank you for taking the time to read my words 🙂

      Like

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