(Written on 11/10)
In the fatiguing gloom of mid-November there emerged a new hope.
Today I managed to get on an early bus, which means it was not overflowing with people It’s amazing what a commute can do to your mood. I will try to catch the early bus again, to avoid the physical discomfort of being trapped between hoards of bodies on a crowded vehicle. It’s also nice to not be squashed up against screaming, sticky children who say everything everyone else is thinking.
To summarize last week, and the beginning of this one, I would say horrible. But nothing too life altering happened to me, I only say this because I’ve been deathly ill. I haven’t really eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. The sickness has ripped me of any pleasure I have ever felt towards food – now it only adds to my nausea. I sleep for hours and wake up sweating all over despite the fact that it is only forty five degrees (Fahrenheit) outside. My body shifts and shakes, retching and coughing mucus over the edge of my bedframe until my stomach clenches up and refuses to release any more of this germy fluid. My temperature ranges from freezing to death even when I’m draped in ten blankets, to being so hot that sweat pools in places is normally doesn’t. I felt- feel like I am dying.
Somehow this week has cleansed me. Just as I gag mucus, I feel like I have also purged some negativity that plagued me before. I am forced to take care of my body, forced to sleep enough and not waste time doing pointless things. I’ve been too sick to write or read or even breathe properly, I hoped it would have past by now but it still afflicts me. I still sweat and dry heave and crumple at the slightest touch. It makes me increasingly irritable. I didn’t go to class on Thursday because I needed to rest. It hasn’t improved much from then but today I at least feel somewhat alive.
I’ve been reading a lot of gothic literature, mostly Poe. I realized it was slipping into my writing when I started writing things like “Everyone is mad” and setting the story in an old mansion with one sane woman trapped in a game of the insane. Maybe it’s all the Poe or it could just be a reflection of how I feel right now. I feel trapped in sickness and trapped in a group of people who are… nice…but difficult.
I cut my hair finally. It used to fall to my waist and now it only comes about an inch below my ears. Why would I cut my hair when it’s just starting to get cold? I felt like it was time. My long hair was beautiful but it hid me and dragged me down. This symbolizes not hiding anymore. Not covering things up.
I was so, so surprised at the reactions! There was a collective gasp when a walked into a class. I kept saying thank you, oh wow, thank you! People keep coming up to me and touching it, telling me how in love they are with the new style. It’s a kind of attention I wasn’t expecting but I’ll have to admit I did enjoy.
So I’ve been sick but I don’t want to be a grumpy pants and state that my week was absolutely horrible and I felt nothing but filth. There were rare moments of peace, where my aunt made me tea with honey and lemon, when I finally managed to find warmth after a spell of chills, and the music that calmed me and wavered through my spirit. My week was not 100% bad, it was just hard to focus on the good when I was mostly concerned with my aching joints.
I’m so sorry to whine to you, but I needed to tell the truth, and the truth is some angry parasite has taken my body hostage and still refuses to let it go. I fight it with honor, warm tea, and good music. Perhaps by writing about it I will release it somehow. Maybe not. At least I have released something.